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Brandon M. Dennis
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Runaway Nutcracker
Welcome children, it is time for a reading of the Christmas classic; The Nutcracker. There was once a goblin mechanic who worked in the city of Orgrimmar. He was sad over the lack of joy during Christmas time and he wanted to do something great to make the season better for everyone. A thought dawned upon him.
'I know, I'll build a giant nutcracker whose mission is to crack nuts for people so they don't have to!'
A noble idea, you must admit, but sadly, not all noble ideas turn out the way we expect. The goblin mechanic slaved away in his workshop, day and night, until finally, on Christmas Eve, his nutcracker was complete.
'Rise, mighty nutcracker, and address your master!'
The nutcracker's eyes opened, and glowed a holiday red. It's gears and pistons spun and pumped, and its mouth opened with a hiss.
'Yes master, what are you commands?'
'Nutcracker! It is my wish that Christmas be made easier for all people. I command you to crack other people's nuts!'
The machine hissed, creaked and slowly began to move. The goblin mechanic was pleased, but then a thought occurred to him. Was there any way his command could be… misinterpreted? His smile faded and his eyes went wide in terror.
'Wait one moment,' said the goblin.
'Must… crack… nuts…' said the machine.
'Wait, Nutcracker, let me rephrase my command – '
'Must crack nuts!'
'Stop right now, or I'll call Thrall, and he'll send the guards after you!'
The nutcracker paused.
'Must crack… Thrall's nuts.'
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The Nutcracker moved at a frightening pace, and the goblin chased after it.
'Stop it! Stop the machine!' cried the goblin to nearby guards. 'It's heading towards Thrall!'
Orgrimmar's mounted security force quickly mobilized and chased after the runaway monster.
'Must crack Thrall's nuts.'
The guards chased the machine through The Drag and shot arrows at it, which bounced harmlessly off its titanium body.
'Trip him! Ground him! He won't get back up!' cried the goblin mechanic, and the guards assembled at the entrance to the Valley of Wisdom. They stretched a line of rope across the path and waited.
'Must crack Thrall's nuts,' said the nut cracker as he approached. He stopped. His gleaming red eyes scanned the road before him.
'Detecting obstacles… calculating new path… preparing to recommence nut cracking…'
The machine stepped over the trip wire, and continued on its way.
'Hurry, it's almost there!' cried the goblin, and the bewildered guards ran after the nutcracker, but it was too late. The nutcracker bent down and ripped the roof off of Thrall's throne room. Thrall looked up, startled.
'I'm here to crack your nuts,' said the machine, and with that the nutcracker reach out and… grabbed a bowl of walnuts, and cracked them.
The end.
What… what? It's a nutcracker, it cracks nuts, what did you expect? Yeesh, youth these days and their depraved thinking, mumble, grumble…
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